His Character

I can't hear right now.

I am straining ... cupping my hand around my ear. Come again?

I ask a question and all I hear is its echo.

I am filled with new desires and have been presented with new opportunities. I have been handed new responsibilities. And something inside of me has radically changed.

I am transitioning out of a season where God was vocal. He was blatant, tangible and hilariously obvious.

I am fighting in a way I have never fought before. Sensing this transition, I am filled with dread. The last time this happened, I felt so lost. The last time I began an ascent like this - trails and unmarked paths that took my breath and broke my body - I did all but lose faith. So I sense the way getting harder. I recognize the traits of a strenuous climb and I feel my fear rising.

But I am reminded.

I am not who I was.

I have been dramatically transformed. My roots have dug deeper, spread wider. I am more familiar with the face of the Lord, and my identity is more intertwined with His will than ever before.

So if the Father is choosing to be quiet right now, it is not because He is absent. It is either because I am being too loud, or because He knows I know Him well enough to follow Him regardless. To pursue where He has been.

Oh that I would be so familiar with His character that I would know how to live, how to move, even when my proverbial senses are impaired.

I have so much more to learn. The closer I draw to Him, the more I realize this. But without condemnation -- simply with an increasing desire to be more like Him, to know Him better.

One of the things I have learned is just how vulnerable we can be in a season like this. Satan prowls around like a lion, waiting to attack us in moments just like these. When we are so susceptible to our insecurities, when we so easily could give way to our weaknesses.

So I will be vigilant in calling the enemy out on his tactics. Recognizing his work and rebuking it. Understanding that all our extreme emotions are not prodded by him.... but the ones which attack, the ones that tear down, are his way to gain ground in our lives.

I hate being wrong. But just like before, I am beginning to realize that God uses my best laid plans to get me where I need to be. Whether to distract me, or to get me to take the needed steps ... He has never left me or forsaken me. And despite my attempts to always do right, be right, or sound right ... His will always prevails.

Because despite it all... that is my desire.

To be right in the middle of His will.

To be washed out with the tide - washed clean and rubbed smooth.

And even when I cannot hear, even when I cannot see, even when I really have no clue where I am going or what comes next...

I know my Father.

And oh, though I cannot hear You, I love you.
Though I cannot see you, I trust You.
All my heart desires is to be near to You again...
to rest in the shadow of Your wings.
To be swept away by the wind,
I want Your voice to ring in my ears.
My fingers to tingle with Your power.
Come close, come quickly.
May my prayers rise to you as incense...
Quiet me with Your love.
Reward my seeking with finding.
My knocking with answering.
Come, ready with a response, if not an answer.
In the middle of chaos, transcend with Your peace.
Kingdom, come.