Morning Person

Forecast for today?

Sunny and windy.

My heart comes alive on days like these, when I'm not cooped up in a cubicle or hidden from real light. My heart rate slows down and the tension eases in my shoulders. I am quieter and I listen more. I know Him. I am a better person today.

I flew a kite and laid in the grass and ate lunch outside today. Everything I did was punctuated by the wind blowing... an invisible birthday present.

I look back on the past year and am amazed. More so than even New Years, birthdays are a time of reflection. I always come barreling to a stop and reexamine and evaluate and compare. It is my own personal day... who am I today?

The last twelve months have been some of the most painful, stretching, beautiful, messy, and adventurous of my life so far. The life I lead today is absolutely nothing like the life I led twelve months ago. Most of those changes, however, have been internal, and I wonder if anyone else can see them? I have a sneaking suspicion they can, since one of the things I rediscovered this past year was joy.

I stumbled upon joy and passion; I fell in love with Jesus and the inner city again and with Africa for the first time. I left one family and fell into another. I learned about risk taking and the gift of discernment and the power of prayer.

I allowed God to change me.

To tear down my walls and build upon a foundation He'd built years and years ago. It was a year of breaking, of demolition. He shattered my heart and salvaged the pieces. And I am a mosaic now... reflecting His light.

He was loud. He whispered. I heard the faintest of instructions and completely missed His blatant direction. I prayed the hard prayers and hungered for righteousness in a way I never thought I would. Running headlong into the fear of God and the unhealthy fear of never reaching Him.

I dared Him to do the big things. I asked Him to heal me - and He redeemed me instead.

He taught me about grace and patience.

He taught me about how He's going to have to keep teaching me those things until the day I die... because I just don't get it.

The community, which grew up around me this past year, has pushed me and stretched me and held me up when I couldn't stand on my own. They played such an intricate part in developing my faith and my courage.

This year I began to live a better story.

I let go.

God kept me here. Sent me to Africa. Gave me a loaf of bread. Showed me a dove. Stirred my heart. Broke my heart.

God stepped away and beckoned me to follow. "Come with me. Come to me. I have something to show you..."

He took my assumptions about myself - the things I believed to be truths - and He turned it all upside down. He took a boring story, a passionless story, a mediocre story, and He threw me headlong into the deep end.

But He taught me this past year that He will take care of my heart. To come when He calls. That I am a morning person. He rebuked the lies I'd been telling myself for years and reminded me that I belong to Him (that He thinks I am beautiful) and because of such a truth, I am capable of far more than I ever dreamed.

Daily I struggle with what I've learned and whether or not it has actually sunk in. Will I ever learn? I fall short. I am not good. I am wrong a lot.

I am learning to pray differently. To walk in conversation with Him throughout the entire day. To shut up and listen. I am learning just how much I can trust my own heart these days... and I am delighted.

My prayer for now is that our Father would make me competent and unaware. To forget myself. And remember Him and the ones He loves.

So as I dive headfirst into another year, I find myself full of gratitude. I am nervous, but not anxious. I have lonely moments, but a deeper realization of a plan He is fleshing out. A nagging sense of incompetency and a passion that outweighs it by a ton.

Today I am closer to being who God created me to be than I have ever been before.

Come, grow with me.

Teach me something. Let me show you something beautiful. Let's walk in love.

The wind is blowing and the Father has come close. Best day.