Tuesday, August 7, 2012

When We Can't

This particular journey is almost over.

When I found out about the life growing inside of me, I was six weeks pregnant.  

Now, there are only five weeks left.

I have seen my baby's face.  Heard his heart beat.  

I've learned some things in the last seven months.  Some things about the world, some things about my faith, some things about people, and many things about myself.  

The same things I was praying before, I am praying now.  For grace and patience.  

Now I am also praying for strength.  Strength to face the lies.  To demand respect.  Strength to stand up, or kneel down, and ask for a miracle.  Ask for prayers to be heard now, changing the past.  Praying God is not bound by time -- and praying my voice is still heard by Him at all.  

I used to believe because I asked for something, I would never get it.  Whatever "it" was would be withheld from me.  Because I wanted it, because I was selfish, because I didn't trust God's plan enough to be quiet about it.  I remember the day God bent down and whispered, "I am not spiteful".  Quietly, patiently in my ear.  I think my mentality broke His heart.

But until now, I have never needed, wanted, asked for something so fervently in my entire life.  

And as I replay this movie in my head, as I watch the scenes unfold, and anticipate the next few weeks of my life... I am terrified.  

Scripture tells us the Spirit will pray for us when we do not have the words.  I laid in bed last night and I thought, panicked, perhaps I had never actually prayed for this.  Perhaps I had wished it.  Perhaps I had hoped it.  Perhaps I had wanted it with every fibre of my being.

And had never actually asked.

I wonder then, if the spirit has in fact been praying for me.  Every time my heart constricts with anxiety, every time I remember those things I am afraid of, does the Spirit whisper in Jesus' ear?  Does Jesus go to the foot of the Father for me and say,

"Our girl, she doesn't even know how to ask.  She doesn't even know what to ask for.  The words won't come.  But I know her.  And I love her.  And I've heard her heart.  Father, I know what she's asking for..."


Someone looked at me the other day -- at my face, at my belly, and back at my face.  The expression I caught in her eyes was almost indecipherable.  

"You look tired, sweetheart," she said very matter-of-factly.  I just nodded a little bit.  It was too early in the morning to be looking tired, I thought.  But I felt it.  "Actually.  I know that look," she changed her mind quickly and handed me my change.  "You look worn out."

There it was.  

I am praying for grace within myself.  Patience within myself for him. 

I am praying for a good ending.  For redemption.

Praying the Spirit keeps praying for me, even when I can't.