Tired Heart

My heart is tired.

I realized this today. Was able to verbalize this today.

Emotionally exhausted.

And when you mix emotional exhaustion with physical energy, you get confused.

Very confused.

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I have been racing.

Moving at a crazy pace - figuring I'd adapt eventually.

That my emotional muscles would get stronger and I'd be able to handle more.

And more.

False.

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It all became reality today when I turned in all my money for my trip to Ethiopia.

An expensive manilla envelope, let me tell you what.

That stress gone, that preoccupation resolved, that prayer answered.

I got back in my car and turned on Shane and Shane and went to meet my dear friend Jenn.

We caught up over Starbucks and then left.

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By the time I got home, my emotional fortitude was gone.

All my boldness was melting right there in my hands.

And all I wanted to do was to be wrapped up in someone's arms and just be comforted.

But there was no one.

I was tired of thinking. Of feeling. Of analyzing. Of interpreting.

Of wondering.

Of preparing.

Just for a minute I needed it all to stop.

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I got home and got a hold of Jenn again.

"My heart is tired," I explained to her.

After talking through it a little bit, I decided to go for a run.

Because even in my emotional state, my legs had a lot of energy to be spent.

I would spend it.

"This is what I want you to do," said Jenn. "While you're running, ask God to reveal what He wants you to know for today. Not for tomorrow. Not about yesterday."

Present truth.

(She's found her calling, this friend of mine.)

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So I went.

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"Father God, thank you for the gift of the Holy Spirit that fills us up. May his presence cause our discernment, insight and perception to heighten. Make me familiar with Your voice. Tell what it is you want me to know, right now. Speak truth to me about today. Just today. I'm listening."

Suddenly my ears were filled with David Crowder.

"Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My only calm is You
Save me"

And then Mat Kearney.

"Do you ever think about me? Do you ever call my name?
Ask me now I'll give you the reasons
My love will not fade
Through the fire and rain, the fire and rain."

And then,

"Where we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me"

I stopped.

Was that my answer?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest..."

What?

"I will quiet you with my love, rejoice over you with singing."

Oh.

"Is that what You want me to know?" I asked.

"That's what I want you to do," He answered. "I am stronger than you are. I am better at this. I can do immeasurably more. Everything will work out, I promise. Do not be anxious about it. Come, lie in My arms. Rest with me."

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I didn't run very far.

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Psalm 62:5 - Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.