Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder why I am still working at my job.

I really hate it. A lot.

I've been there for four and a half years now. And I'm really good at it.

I keep asking if I can leave.

God keeps saying no.

I thought I knew why. I had a pretty good idea as to why He was keeping my butt sitting at that cubicle.

I was wrong.

Well, mostly wrong.

Today, I lost my temper.

She doesn't know that I lost it. She doesn't know the rage that I was feeling. I did a pretty good job at concealing the fact that I wanted to scream at her.

I feel that way a lot.

In my head, I call her ignorant.

I call them racist.

And judgmental.

I count to ten and pick my battles.

But the thoughts in my head, the reaction manifested in my blood pressure...

indicate an issue in my heart.

-

So today, when I turned around and picked a fight with her about racial profiling in the airports, God whispered:

"Anna, baby, why do you think I haven't let you leave here yet? Do ya get it now?"

He's teaching me about patience.

About double standards.

About how to interact and respond to people who think differently than I do.

In a safe environment - where no one's life or well being is on the line.

Before He sends me out to do a job I love.

Because I cannot call her ignorant, I cannot call them judgmental, I cannot accuse them of discriminating - without becoming those very things myself.

I am reminded, yet again, that I am forever a work in progress.

-

My mind has been in deep thought all day long.

Especially since this afternoon.

When my sister called me a Bible-thumper. And I wasn't sure whether to take that as an insult or a compliment.

Because, she's right, I didn't use to be this way.

And now it's kind of ridiculous (maybe even annoying to some) how much my mind lingers on God.

I can't help but think I'm supposed to be this way though. Consumed by Him, obsessed with it, in love with Him.

Part of me is sorry if I wear you out with all of it.

Part of me is not.

-

I know that less than a year ago, I had lost all my joy.

I believed in a God who loved me and a Savior who died on a cross for me.

I loved people, but didn't know them.

I had dreams and no drive.

I was restless and a coward.

And something happened.

Something broke inside of me.

And if you have known me for a while, you remember the mountain I climbed in 2009.

You remember the despair I felt.

I just got lost.

-

But then a savage Jesus came and picked me up in His arms and pulled me out of my own mess.

Through my brokenness He entered and changed everything.

The soil of my heart, the crust of my soul, was broken apart and shaken down and torn loose.

There was pain - like muscles tearing and bones splintering.

Because there was a Spirit outside of me that desperately wanted to join the dormant Spirit inside of me.

And sometimes, healing only comes through breaking.