Tennessee

There is a church on Alumni that puts short quotes on their sign every week. Usually I pay no attention to such signs, but after moving to my new apartment I had to drive past it every single morning on the way to work. I began to notice how each new saying strangely related to my life.

I should have known something was about to happen when on Friday morning, St. Luke's changed their sign.

"God Changes Us".

Oh man.

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God gave Bonnie a word for me this week.

I had alternate plans for this weekend. But Tuesday rolled around and I got a phone call.

"God wants you in Tennessee this weekend, Anna."

I laughed about this. Because God and I talk all the time. But He hadn't told me that I needed to MAKE a way for myself to get to Gatlinburg.

But He told Bonnie.

Sometimes, the Father uses messengers.

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It was affirmed in my heart that I was where I needed to be when I walked into the cabin door and was met with cheers and hugs.

The love I have for those people makes my heart swell.

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I fell asleep last night on a mattress on the floor in the living room.

I woke up occasionally to the sound of my friends laughing as they played cards.

Joy set in.

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Everyone quietly dispersed to their sleeping spots. Saying goodnight as they passed.

And quietness set in.

But only for a few moments.

Then came the rain.

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The cabin had a tin roof. So as the fire died in the hearth and I lay half asleep on the floor, I listened as the intensity of the downpour increased and then waned.

Then Bonnie came and laid down on the couch cushions she had fashioned as a cot. And by the light of her headlamp, she read to me before we fell asleep.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, ]we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. (1 John 3)

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But in the middle of the night, I was hit with nightmares.

The first nightmares I've had about my upcoming trip to Ethiopia.

They were dark and quiet and all I remember were severe feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

Only to wake up in the early hours of the morning and find that all the girls who had been sleeping around me on the floor, were gone.

Suddenly those feelings of loneliness and abandonment translated into real life.

However illogical and unfounded... satan had found me in a weak spot. In the vulnerability of my sleeping mind, in the moment when joy had my defenses down, he attacked.

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But the God we love is more present than any danger (says Charlie Hall), bigger than any fear, stronger than any hurt.

So I pulled out my journal, and in the quietness of the morning, I talked to God about it.

About the way my heart was hurting.

About the things, other than the nightmares, that were burdening me.

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And suddenly I heard something yelling and heard people running.

"It's a rainbow! Do you see the rainbow?!"

Through the dense fog we could clearly see a rainbow arcing over the cabin.

This brought the tears to my eyes that have been hiding out for months.

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Because when I saw the rainbow I heard God whisper.

Because I had heard Him talk to me all weekend long and sometimes the words God uses are not easy ones to hear.

But as I looked out the window, He said, "Don't give up hope. I haven't given up on you. This is my blessing on you, my children. I am among you. I condone this fellowship. You are welcome,"

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The drive home to Kentucky this morning, as well as the afternoon, and then the evening at church, all proved to be conduits of strong emotions. And I had lost all ability to remain stoic.

And for the first time in months, the tears came.

Lots and lots of tears.

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Because sometimes we cannot see.

Sometimes God chooses not to tell us what comes next in the story.

This develops our faith, our trust in Him. Our lack of vision makes us dependent on Him, the Father. The one who loves us.

Because like Don says, "it is not joy that changes people. Conflict changes people. [We] will be put through hell. [We] will go through hell, and we will change."