If You Have Not Love

I woke up in a funk.

Smelling like left over Christmas and lingering New Years, tinged with the melancholy of multiple weddings and a rainstorm.

I am so glad the holidays are over. Seriously. I felt a little bit like I closed my eyes and held my breath and ran through the gauntlet this year, barely experiencing it, just trying to get to the other side without injury. So here we are, a day into 2011. And I can't shake it off.

I've had a lot of car trouble lately. Trying to save money has prolonged the whole process, but surprisingly I've kept my patience through the whole thing. Trusted in God's provision. Been grateful for the community He's put in my life to take care of me. I maintained a good attitude. No freak outs. No anxiety. But New Years Eve morning my back driver's side window broke.

And I lost it.

Seriously. That was the straw. I think it's just the mechanism. But hello, there is now duct tape holding my window up. Duct tape.

I had some serious arguing with God for a little while. Didn't He understand I couldn't afford this? Didn't He get that if He wasn't going to provide, I wasn't going to be able to make it?

Then I went to dinner with two beautiful women. Ended the year eating spicy cajun food. It was in that moment God showed up to me again in a new way. In a way my sister had told me about. You see, sometimes you have to be introduced to God. Someone who loves Him very much and recognizes His face must say to you, "to me, this is God". I introduced Olivia to my sunglasses God. She introduced me to our God in a wheelchair not hours before I met Lauren and Cassandre at Bourbon n' Toulouse.

So when I was sitting at our table and someone came over and removed all the chairs so a young man in a motorized wheelchair could pull up to the table... my heart skipped a beat. So close. So real.

I was successfully distracted that evening when my kids all rolled in to watch Despicable Me. Nothing blesses my heart more than these forty-some kids who curl up on pillows on the floor and eat their weight in popcorn and cheeseballs. I was tackled by one of our best boys who rolls his "r"s and has a box cut. But I was still feeling hollow because of the absence of one of my little girls. And then they walked in. Four of them.

I may have given John a high-five. That's how instantaneously I knew God was filling up my arms again. "Shh, Anna. Don't worry. I didn't bring you here to keep you empty."

Two of these new boys immediately stole my heart. One felt sick and I found him in the back, leaning over the sink. When I came up and sat down next to him, he got really close to my face with tears in his eyes. I rubbed his head while we talked... and I just absorbed the trust and smallness of him.

The other walked around with a hood over his head. He was smaller than the rest and ran around like a mad man until the movie came on, and he passed out on the floor. No blankets. No pillows. Just fell deep asleep. When the movie was over I got down next to him and it took me a good few minutes to get him woken up. He looked at me with sleep eyes and wrapped his arms around my neck. So I picked him up, and he fell asleep on my shoulder again.

I'm here to tell you. I could have stayed there with him in my arms all night long. My gift.

We had a wonderful New Years party which effectively helped me forget about my car stresses. Until I walked out afterwards in the rain and found that someone had written something on the tape. I had a panic moment, standing in the dark in the rain downtown. Thrown off for a second, I didn't even read what it said.

God's way of building character. One broken window at a time.

If that didn't hit a nerve, I don't know what could have.

2010. A year of reparation. He had been building my character. He was still building my character. Using every circumstance, every opportunity. Sometimes just to give me a quick swift in the behind.

2011 began with french toast and lots of tears. Nothing like the holiday blues mixed with two weddings back to back. I didn't have a chance. So we got ready and ran to the car in the rain. Kat and I stopped at Starbucks on the way, knowing we were going to need some help getting through the mass amount of socializing, which was about to ensue.

While we were sitting there a father walked in with his son. A dark eyed blonde haired boy who liked hot chocolate. We didn't think anything about them (except for how cute this little boy was). Until, over the music playing and the hum of people's voices, we heard...

"If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing...."

He was reading to his son. And in the moments right before my sister and I went to the weddings of some of our oldest, dearest friends... we were reminded.

That, of course, did nothing for the tears already welling up in my eyes. I was basically a mess for the rest of the night.

If you have not love...

My anthem for 2011.

I've had a year of brokenness, a year of healing.

Here I am. Opening my eyes. Let's see what's next.