the last straw

I've been waiting.

Waiting for so many things.

In anticipation.  For answers and direction.

I'd been hearing and ignoring.  Like I so often do.

Aware of the truth -- painfully aware of truth.

Deceived by some false hope and chosen blindness.

Sometimes we hope it will get better.  And we hold on longer than we should.  Waiting, in our uncertainty.  Holding out, putting off, praying for change.

But I know.  My heart always knows.

The anticipation had been building.  Foreshadowing of affirmation, hung like thick fog every where I went.  There was a closure, waiting to happen.  And it was all in my power.

The only thing I hate worse than things out of my control, are things IN my control.

I don't ever want to make the wrong choice.

I was afraid of making a drastic choice, which might affect too much of the future -- too many of the days ahead in a negative way.  I was afraid of my own judgement, although it's rarely failed me.  I was afraid of what was irreversible.  Afraid of the permanent.

However, sometimes things change.

There is a shift.

And you tumble head first into a decision.

Or the final piece is added to the puzzle, and all the doubt and misgivings you've been feeling and sensing.... manifest.

The whisper you hear becomes a roar.

And it doesn't matter how long you ignored it before.  Now... now you hear.  Now you know.  No question.  Now.

The last straw.

~

Peace is what I seek.  

Throughout provision, throughout transformation, throughout all my hoping.  Peace is the goal.  To reach a place of perfect peace, and hold on for dear life.  

Peace that transcends all understanding.  

That is not only what I seek, but what I rely on.  

Call it a gut check.  Call it divine comfort.  

But when the peace comes, I pay attention.  

And when the peace is absent... when the peace is missing... I cannot rest.  I cannot settle.

~ 

So here it comes.  The coveted peace.  Surpassing all understanding and relieving me of a burden too heavy to carry.  

I caught my breath.  Filled my lungs.  As if for the first time. 

And then peace comes.  

With the wind.