dialogue

I have never questioned Your love for me.

Through all the trials and pain and obstacles I have faced, I was always certain.

I have never doubted that Your plan was best, that Your will was divine.

But from the beginning, with the exception of a few moments of clarity along the way, I simply have not been able to see.

Sometimes I have been unable to know and see Your will for what happens next.

Sometimes I resent You. For leaving me here. For sending others out. For giving them adventures.

Sometimes I feel left out. Not good enough. Ignored. Bored.

And I realized last night that I have not sought any of that, which I desire so deeply.

I have sat here. Hands open. Waiting for life to be delivered to me. Laziness. Fear. Confusion. Uncertainty. All have kept me tied to my seat. Stagnant.

Which is exactly the opposite of what my sisters and brothers have done.

I am now compelled to move.

Inspired to seek.

I'm here praying that if I draw close to You, You'd draw near to me.

If I go out in search of my adventures - the path You've laid out for me - that You would help me find it.

... I would come forth as gold.

... my seeking heart would find You.

-

At the same time, I realize that Your will might be for me to be right here.

Right now. In this place.

-

One of Your children found me at work today.

She asked where I had put my happy face and I told her that I'd left it at home, where I wanted to be.

I told her some of what was going on in my life right now and she just shook her head.

"Sometimes you grow the most when God pins you down in one place. Just be still, Anna. Just be still..."

This is the lesson you want me to learn this season.

How to stop, in the midst of the chaos and demands and anxiety, and be still.

In Your presence. Because You... are most important.

You want to fight for me.

You have plans for me.

But I'm too busy, too hurried, too active to hear.

-

You are teaching me something.

Lots of things.

And You already know this, I don't have to tell You, but I'm still frustrated.

I still don't feel like I'm doing anything important.

Most days.

There are other days when I hear Your voice a little clearer...

And I know that I am sinful.

I am finite.

I am blind.

-

There's no telling what You're up to.

I know You are good.

I know You love me.

I know You have a great sense of humor.

So even when I'm frustrated...

I love you.