Winter

I always find myself sitting down to write before the first day of school.

It's a method of marking time.

How I feel today, compared to the end of finals week.

What I know and forget.

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This is beginning of my fourth year of college.

I should be almost done.

But I am nowhere close. Nowhere near.

But this is my last first week of school at the community college.

I've been saying that for a year now.

But this time, its real.

This time, I really will never go back.

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And I find myself feeling apprehensive.

This is the beginning of the end of my security.

So much of what I know will soon change.

My world... is about to undergo a makeover.

And I am nervous.

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I am in a funk.

A winter season.

All the beauty seems to be in hibernation.

All my boldness, all my courage, frozen over.

-

It is time for a change.

For soil to be turned over.

Progress to be made.

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But everything is going to require great leaps of faith on my part.

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I'm not saying anything new here.

You sit there, reading, thinking "She's been talking about changing for 21 years now!"

And I have.

I'm a connoisseur of good intentions, of grand ideas, of bold moves.

-

I collect them.

And look at them.

And they gather dust.

And take up space.

-

That is bad.

-

I am being called out.

-

I was given a book by one of my best friends the other day.

A book that was given to my mother by my grandmother.

The year I was born.

A book that may very well be my saving grace.

A book that has traveled through women's hands for twenty one years, to land in my lap.

The Father's way of saying, "I know what I'm doing with you. Just pay attention."

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I pulled out Don Miller the other day.

That's the kind of mood I'm in.

Blue.

Like Jazz.

A true, free form of self expression is what I am looking for.

-

Friends,

I want to play the cello.

No kidding. What would it be like to learn to play music?

I want to dance.

And to continue to run and sweat and work towards a goal.

And I am so sick and tired of sitting here telling you exactly what I want to do and then retelling you and telling you again in a different way.

I'm good at making old ideas sound new.

-

And I'm done.

-

Tonight, my heart needs a safe place.

I went to church this morning and cried a few tears.

People are amazing.

That's the greatest lesson I have ever learned.

People were created to be the best creation.

And there are people out there who are the best.

I love seeing that manifested.

-

But I am in a winter season.

Walking through a dry desert.

I am pleading for spring to return.

For a sweet drink of water.

-

Maybe I can see the ice beginning to melt,

or an oasis in the distance.

And that is the reason for my state of mind.

I am confused.

And I am lonely.

And I am uncomfortable.

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Which means... in my experience...

that when my world finally gets its makeover,

when my life is finally turned upside down,

it will change everything.

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So I am headed now, to a safe place.

A place where I tend to hide.

A place where He is calling me to spread my wings, to get my hands dirty.

A place that may hold all the future.

Or just tomorrow.

-

Oh that I may survive this winter.

I wait for the season of singing...