9.17.17

Grad school has made me realize one thing so far.

Maybe two.

1. I don't want to be a therapist

This is the thing I know for sure.  Maybe I'll change my mind down the road, but some really important parts of myself are sleeping right now and I want the tools that therapists use in my toolbox.  But I don't want to work solely in an office.

The other thing I've realized is something I'm trying to process.

But it sounds a little something like this:

I want to be with people who are alive.

I am so drawn to people who are vivacious.

I don't mean people who are money hungry.  I don't mean people who are pursuing fame.  I don't mean people who are popular on social media.  I don't mean people who are desirable.  I don't mean people who can wear white without getting dirty and

I mean people who are absolutely thriving.

Who are you?  The ones who are taking risks.  The ones creating art.  The ones loving each other well.  The ones deliberately and diligently working towards a goal.  The ones who think -- who deeply think and consider and contemplate.  The ones who fight.

There's so few out there.

So few people living their best life.

So few people you can engage in a meaningful conversation, leaving you full and satisfied and hungry at the same time.

The people who spark something inside of you, which pulls at your mouth and fills your eyes up with light.

When I think about who I want to end up with one day, the man I'll call husband, these are the qualities I think about.  Is he the kind of man who can problem solve? Is he the kind of man who makes people feel better when he walks in the room?  Is he the kind of man who sets standards for himself and his family?  Is he the kind of man who has a global perspective and is attuned spiritually?

I want to be those things as much as I seek those attributes in other people.  Friends, lovers, partners, colleagues.

I am in learning mode.  Everything I've been experiencing lately has been due to a desire for more knowledge and better understanding.  Whether it's graduate school, my practicum, sexuality, mobility, mindfulness, vulnerability and rising strong, and holistic health.

There is so much I don't know.  I am so acutely aware of the distance between where I am and where I want to be.  So sensitive to the disparity.  Brene Brown calls this curiosity.  Ironically, the way we become curious and increase our desire for knowledge is by becoming aware of how much we do not know. And curiosity, it turns out, changes our brain chemistry.

Community has all but disappeared for me over the last six years.  But I know now, when it's time to rebuild and reinforce my tribe, the sort of people I'm pursuing.  

I come alive when listening to other people talk about their passions.  When I can share in someone's enthusiasm.  When I can learn from you, I am enthralled.  When I can teach you, I am delighted.

I am looking for those who can join me on whatever journey comes next -- who can have a beer and dance with me at night and talk with me about our life's purpose and dreams and push me to take care of my body and work alongside me as we care for others.

They're lofty expectations.

I can't wait to meet you.