unless you have to say it

deep breath. 

I am overwhelmed with the weight of it, on my chest like something sitting.  Right there.  Where I breathe.

I don't understand why things happen.  I don't understand why my life, our life now, has played out the way it has, but I am heavy with it.

One year later, I should be writing about something else.  About candles and smash cakes and happy birthday to yous.  But that is not what's on my mind tonight.  To get to that, to the confetti, I have to sort through this.

All of this.

Tears came today.  After so long holding back.  After short bursts and welling, of self control and self admonishing.  It is silly to cry alone.  It is embarrassing to let someone else watch.

But tears came today and my eyes are a little swollen from it.  Listening, for the first time in years, I was comforted by the silence because I knew it meant he heard.

And the heaviness was alleviated when I said the words out loud.

Some things take so much courage.  And monsters are defeated when given a name.

Easier said than done, he says.  Unless you have to say it.

And I had to say it.  

I've said it before, half heartedly, leaving the door cracked.

I allowed the hurt, which is the saddest part.  I allowed it to continue and I allowed it to cut deep and I exposed Judah to it and I am sorry for that.

But we pray for answers, even when we don't know what they are.  We have sneaking suspicions we won't like them, but we pray for them anyway.  And often I pray He'd control it, I know I can't and I don't know best, and would He please fix what I cannot.

So sometimes, the answer is the decision is made for us.  He chooses what we're not strong enough to choose.  Hollowing out space.

And oh how thankful I am.

deep breath.

That's what I had to say out loud, you know.  How thankful am I.  I've been thinking this thought often... deep moments of gratitude for the survival and the place we've found ourselves in.  But thankful for this?

I am thankful.

I am thankful I don't have to always make the hard decisions.

And for the deep, rushing feeling of being able to breathe again.

Bless our hearts.  What could it mean to have love reciprocated?  Time valued?  Hearts cherished?

Deep, rushing.  Space created, I am thankful and I am so relieved.

Hurt.  Heartbroken.  Confused.  But so very thankful.

I scoop him up and he hugs my neck now.  And I wonder how he could not be loved.  How is it so easy to walk out on this little one?  I don't linger on this thought, knowing it's my fault.  It is not him they walk out on, but me.

deep breath.

Quietly tonight I pray for the one who won't walk out.

If you know him, send him our way.

There was quite a bit of room made here recently.  And I'm done crying for it.