The Graduate

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I saw the words on a van as I drove, through the misty rain, towards campus.  And it struck me in such a way, I knew those words were meant for me.  The slogan of a local retirement home, actually, had found me in traffic.  And meant something wholly and entirely different in this -- what we have come to call -- pivotal moment.

I presented my research project, proposing an increase training for foster homes willing to take foster youth with a LOC higher than 3.  Very few people who walked up to my poster had any interest in my topic of research, however.  Instead they looked around frantically, asking where Judah was.  My research professor feigned interest, then quipped some bad joke I didn't get, and announced to the people standing around, "isn't this the best poster?  Even for a homeschooler, don't you think she did the best?"

The Dean of Admissions, my favorite professor/seminar instructor, and old practicum instructor all made their rounds, looked me deep in the eyes, and told me they were proud of me.  "You did it" they said.  I almost cried.  "We're so proud of you."

One classmate came up to me, in her typical frenzy, and I looked at her and whispered "it's time to calm down now.  Just breathe.  You're done."  The wrinkles relaxed around her eyes and mouth and she started in on her characteristic rambling.  We'd gotten through two and a half years of classes together -- and it had taken me a year and a half to learn any kind of patience for her.  I am a better social worker now, because of her.  If only because she taught me to meet people where they are.  Before the end of the night she came up to me and said "I know you don't like being hugged, but..." and wrapped me up in a big hug and said "you knew I could do it.  When no one else did.  I couldn't have done this without you."

I looked around the room, repeatedly, and was overwhelmed.  I remember the first time I saw these people.  I remember the day I chose social work as my career.  As a classmate gave her speech and said, in a sweet eastern Kentucky accent, "your sense of humanity increases the sense of humanity in me", I remembered all the life that's happened since then.

And I missed Judah terribly.

I did this for him.  Even though that wasn't how it started out.  Even though my mind and heart could not comprehend him, years ago when I chose this career path.  Now it is over, it has ended, and it has all been for him.

On Friday I will go through the motions of "graduating".  But I am already done.