The last time I was there I was 39 weeks pregnant. Skin itching and feet swollen and Judah curled up in a ball, kicking and squirming, inside of me.
He is kicking and squirming in his sleep right now. Laying next to me on the couch. I watch him move and recognize the movements. I look at his long arms and legs and large feet and hands and understand just now, the movements I felt then.
I weighed in. Walked to an exam room and waited. The minutes ticked by and Judah lay sleeping in his car seat and I just wondered at it all.
And I had a flashback, ever so quickly. Of a rainy Thursday in January. I cannot believe it is over, I thought to myself. I remember thinking I couldn't do this. I remember wondering how I would make it. I remember little things about that day so vividly it might as well have been yesterday. Now here we are.
The two of us.
We did it, I think quietly to myself, as the door opens and my dr comes in. The last time I saw her it was all a blur... but I feel like I've lived so much of a lifetime since then. "How are you doing?" She asked in her knowing, simple way. "You two getting along alright?"
I laughed at the phrase and Judah wrinkled his nose and I just nodded. "Getting along just fine", I said, as if he wasn't my most favorite person in the world.
~
I was reminded just last week about how things change.
It was an ill-timed contact. Just checking in, but at the worst of moments. I had to dig deep to remember, recall, all that I once felt about it. But it was there as part of my foundation. A necessary and very important part of stability I'd really rather never look at again. But in it all, I heard Him say, "you thought you knew then. And now? Look where we are now. You think you know now? Just wait."
I am trying to build all over again. Trying so hard to find and create beauty. I feel the need on the inside manifested in the most creatively frustrating ways on the outside. A need for order, for art. I am drawn to colors and textures and am more brave... I want to try and I want to make and this is all a reflection of the condition of my soul.
Because on the inside I am needing both order and artistic chaos. I want to make something of all of this, all of this which so long goes unseen.
~
So we keep going.
The newness of it all is wearing off. Others are forgetting, we are falling into routine. I sleep more than most new moms, I am so thankful for my sweet boy's temperament.
I realized tonight, though, after a weekend of work and paper writing, that three weeks was not enough time to recuperate. I suppose I would have been waiting a lifetime in order to recover from the year I have had -- I am not sure one ever bounces back from something like that. But I am tired. Tired of running full force, of wearing four different hats, tired of talking myself into finishing one more assignment.
Tomorrow, daycare starts. I can't shake the feeling that starting tomorrow I am going to miss most of his life. Little Judah. My baby. What I wouldn't give to be able to do what my sister is doing. Some would say, the right way.
But they also say comparison is the thief of joy. And I am trying desperately to find the joy in the days to come... reminding myself babies go to daycare every day. Children, beautiful healthy well-adjusted socialized creative loved and loving children, go to daycare every day.
And I am not a bad mom for sending him.
But I sure am going to miss afternoon naps. And I hope the woman taking care of him knows well enough to not tell me if I miss something important... something I should have been there to see.
But they also say comparison is the thief of joy. And I am trying desperately to find the joy in the days to come... reminding myself babies go to daycare every day. Children, beautiful healthy well-adjusted socialized creative loved and loving children, go to daycare every day.
And I am not a bad mom for sending him.
But I sure am going to miss afternoon naps. And I hope the woman taking care of him knows well enough to not tell me if I miss something important... something I should have been there to see.
~
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