peace

You remember.  I used to hear God so clearly.  Through so many obstacles in my life, which beat me down and roughed me up, I was able to hear God's voice loud and clear.  Whether or not His words were instructions, or just to comfort, to remind... I heard them.

My life is such now that all I'm really seeking are answers.  So much of what I'm going through is within my control.  Assignments are piled up, due every day for the next two weeks.  Rent is due.  I need to find a new place to live.  I need to fix the window in my car.  I need to apply for new jobs and for graduation.  All of these things are within my control.  I have the resources and ability to control and manipulate each and every one of those situations.  Thus, I do not worry about them.

There are however, a few things in my life I have absolutely no control over.

And I am deeply, deeply worried about them.

I hate cookie-cutter answers.  I hate blanket statements, which suggest that Jesus is the answer for everything.  "I have a headache." --> Jesus.  That is not how I work.  You have a headache?  Take ibuprofen.  Jesus gave someone the incredible mind to invent medicine.  Freaking use it.

So my point is that I have a really really hard time with the statement "just give it to God".

Well damn.  Alright.

Not because I don't believe He can take care of it.

But because I forgot that He already has.

Now that doesn't necessarily mean my worrying turns off like a light switch.

But the old me, the foundation of me, all the way to the core is comforted by the fact He knows already. He knows the sex of my baby -- and He knows what kind of mother I am going to be.  He knows about my future relationships and how my child and I will handle everything if the father doesn't stay.  Or how we will if he does.

He knows when a ring will be slipped onto my left hand.

He knows my next address.

And He already has visions of my smiles on graduation day in His head.  Pretty far ahead, my Father has planned.

I belong enough to Him, too, that I get to take part in the story.  He trusts me.  Loves me.

But the not knowing is eat away at my heart.

Is my faith weak?  Or just being strengthened?

Am I failing?  Flailing and disappointing Him?  Or is He just writing a better story?

All these things He knows, which I have yet to find out, are safe in Him.  Waiting to be uttered by His lips.  Taken by Him, reworked, reframed, repurposed so that they work out for the good.

I've been questioning that lately.  That He works everything out for the good of those who love Him.  Perhaps that is another verse we've taken out of context.  Another verse we've manipulated to say what we want it to say.  For our own comfort and reassurance.

But for now, I must trust.  That He has made me strong enough.  That He has made my baby strong enough.  That He has made my family strong enough.  And in the not-knowing, He is making me better.

I heard Him yesterday.  In the matter-of-fact voice of a Father who knows you haven't been listening.  "You don't need answers."  And I heard Him offer His peace.