secrets

This is the place where I tell my secrets.

I sit in a mezzanine, strangely comfortable here.  Isn't that typical for me.  It takes me so long to get here, to this place where I can sink, settle.  It's almost as if I forget to look.  Forget to test and question, try it on for size.  So I've been sitting in the wide, over-lit, cold cafeteria.  When I could have been here.  The rain drives me to new places.  To new shelter.  I am hiding.  Sweet solitude.

I've been having nightmares.

And I haven't been writing here, because I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

I've been telling you my secrets for years and you may have never known.  But I don't know how to dance around anymore.  How do I build words around the things I don't want to share anymore?  How do I express myself, release the pressure, relieve the tension, without divulging more than I need to.  More than I'm ready to?

I have so much work to do.  But these words are a barrier, built up, and preventing productivity.

There's a new rhythm inside of me.  Rapid.  Praying for its strength.  Praying for its growth.  This rhythm is guiding me and re-shaping me in a way I had not anticipated.  In some ways, it is stronger than my own heartbeat.  More powerful.