get on your way

Summer is over.

And I don't know what I feel.  Still, I don't know if I feel anything at all.

It's almost as if I just took a deep breath and pushed my shoulder into the future and just... moved forward.  Despite the resistance.  Besides the fact that I am not strong enough yet.  I am not smart enough yet.  I don't have what it takes to make it.

I have been saying that I hope I make it through this semester alive.  I'm only half joking.  Today in a sheer moment of honesty I told my sister, in not so many words, I could feel the loneliness coming.  That's the risk I'm taking.  Not physically dying.  But that my heart might fail.

Today, without stress, without any level of social anxiety, with an uncommon level of self-assuredness, I walked to class today.  Ten minutes from my new little safe haven, my class was in a familiar building.  And before ever reaching the classroom I ran into multiple people I know.  Familiar faces.  I've done this before.

Every semester I begin thinking I won't make it.

Every semester I do.  I make it.  I survive.  I succeed.

Summer's over.  And I walked into class with my cohort today as a very different woman than when I left them.

So here I am.  At the beginning of another journey.  I thought I'd come here rested.  I thought I'd come back refreshed.

But I stumbled in the door a tired, worse-for-wear older woman.

We'll see what happens.  There's potential here.  For great... something.  It looks too hard now.  But I'll get stronger.

In the words of Dr. Seuss:

There's my mountain.  It's waiting.

I'm gettin on my way.