Something More

I went to a concert at Southland last night. Only a handful of us were there as a band called Starlume played. We are good at having fun, and that's exactly what I needed. Going in, I prayed that God would make me laugh. I went in and met three or four new girls, talked to the bass player from the band, listened to bad karaoke performed by funny post college guys. I ended up "dancing" at the end of the night (think forty college students doing cupid's shuffle). My stomach hurt from laughing when all was said and done. And I drove away wishing it had all lasted a little longer.

I'm home now. Trying to think of the best way to put my emotions into words.

My thoughts, my beliefs, my perception.

Most of the time I know what it is I am looking for.

But tonight, none of that feels right.

It is almost three o'clock in the morning. And my head is spinning in a direction that really pisses me off. A head spin like this usually turns into a tail spin, which causes me to dive directly into some massive change. Some unreal amounts of discomfort and transformation. An unsettled dizziness, and I feel it tonight.

Some of you don't believe in soul mates. You believe in love. And you believe in destiny. But you don't believe the two are linked. The world has botched the true meaning of this phrase. Overused the expression "a match made in heaven". Circumstances have jaded us, twisted our concepts of love and forever and "meant to be" until we are not really sure what we believe about it anymore. If we believe anything about it at all.

I've wrestled with that. With setting my standards high, with knowing love and losing it, with wondering if, perhaps, I've gotten it all wrong. Again.

Maybe I have.

But tonight... I know that there must be something else. An essential factor. Something organic. Something chemical. Something spiritual. Something on a deeper level than physical attraction and "rightness".

I sat across from him tonight. He has a nice face, a good personality. He makes me laugh. He likes to travel. He wants a big family. He likes my music and my friends. He really likes me. I can tell. As far as relationship requirements go... he's passing the course. I left tonight and got this very clear sense that, if given the chance, he would be good to me.

But something is missing. And I wracked my brain as I talked with him, wondering what is wrong with me that I just cannot be pleased. Conclusion: there is nothing wrong with me. And nothing wrong with him. But that organic component, that connection between the souls, just does not exist there.

Anyway.

I don't really know what I want you to get out of this post. Something. If nothing else... remember that you can pray for laughter and He will send it. What I've taken away from writing this... from extracting these thoughts from my muddled mind is this:

It can be right. And he might be good to me until the day I died. He might pick up the tab and walk me to my car. It might make all the sense in the world. And maybe I'm risking it all by believing in something more...

But my whole heart tells me that it is out there. This something more is out there.

He is out there. And he is a man after God's own heart. Maybe he's an artist. Or just has an artist's soul. My heart will recognize him.

The ebb is low these days. Oh but my heart knows...