a bird's eye view

I didn't get but maybe an hour of sleep last night.
The dogs kept licking my face. I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep.
It was cold.
I was lonely.
These were things I probably could have fixed.
Put the dogs in the crate. Suck it up and get into the bed instead of laying on the couch. Change the thermostat.

Yesterday was just a bad day.
It was a beautiful day. But it was a bad day.
But I've realized that having a dog is highly overrated (I like the idea of having a dog. But cats are sounded pretty appealing at this point).
It's frustrating when you have a vision... an artistic eye... and you can't quite get anything to manifest the way you'd like.
When you feel reprimanded.
When you go home alone.
When the neighbors downstairs scream and slam doors and the chain lock jangles... sending shivers up your spine.
To top it all... strange allergies have made my eyes swell and I can't quit sneezing.
Allergies? Seriously?

It is Monday and I have the day off work. What the hell am I complaining about?
As I said before, I am into the very middle of things.
Being in the middle of things means that it is real and true... sometimes good, sometimes bad. Sometimes our visions flesh out. Sometimes they are crushed under the weight of reality.

I don't feel like I'm making much progress. Time is, certainly, not standing still. No, no. The neon lights are blurring and somebody has sent the hands of the clock spinning. Time's speeding by... I just don't feel like I'm progressing much. No evolving here.

I felt a little left behind last night.
She had somewhere to be. Someone to see. She checked out early... "looking for a back door". I was excited for her. Still am. Was at 2:30 AM when she called me.
But I felt a little left out.
My turn to feel that way, I guess. Is that karma? What goes around, comes around? It's been about three years. But I've checked out early before.
I don't feel like the older sister on nights like last night. Even though I got in a car and drove away and went home by myself and did laundry and washed dishes. It just didn't feel right. Or maybe it was right and I just didn't like it. Go figure.

Chris called me last night. The one who I saw at church a few weeks ago. He just spent twelve days in a hospital for an infection that only one in ten thousand people get. They thought he was going to die... now he's on dialisis and a very strict diet. He called me to tell me how he was doing and that he wanted to hang out. He needs to be around "good people"... because even one beer at this point might kill him. So the doctors say.

They diagnosed her with lupus. I saw her in Wendy's the other day. Actually, she saw me. When I looked up she was staring me down, waiting for me to pay attention. She grabbed me and hugged me. She's going back to school on Tuesday. The steroids have caused her to gain weight and retain water. But she told her mom that she has never been so happy... felt so loved. This will be a lifelong battle for her. But I see a light in her eyes that has never been there before. And she hugs me harder. And tells me she loves me. So if we can just find her some pants that fit... we'll be doing good.

I'm headed to the gorge today. A bigger deal was made about it than I would have liked. I just need to go and be out in the world. I have a photography assignment to complete. I need to spend some time with someone who is struggling to fit together the pieces of dreams and reality. They are connected, aren't they? Are we fooling ourselves? We'll find out. The sun is shining. Maybe today will be a good day.

These are the days we wish we had wings.
Maybe above it all... soaring over everyone's heads... it might make more sense. A quick look at the big picture. A bird's eye view.