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In lieu of a new season I deleted a phone number with a Georgia area code out of my phone. I don't need it anymore. Haven't needed it for ages. But I held onto it... if he called, at least I would know it was him. That eleven digit number kept him real, accessible.

So I deleted it.

It was almost ceremonious. And when I laid my phone down, I rejoiced in the fact that I did not mourn the loss. To be honest, I don't even remember what it was like to be with him anymore. I remember small things... every once in a while, another man will walk past me and smell like Armani or will be wearing Rainbow flip flops. It's not necessary to forget. At least I don't think so.

I know what she meant now, when she said a few years ago that she didn't know him anymore. I understand what it means to know someone so thoroughly... and then to look into their eyes and see a stranger.

I laid down on the couch and fell asleep last night. I woke up to a dream that cemented all my thoughts and emotions: I had needed to get in touch with him. I went to my phone and his number was gone. There was no other way to find him. He was gone.

And I woke up, knowing that was how I would have lived my life. When I needed him most, he would gone.

I am so very thankful that eighteen months ago yesterday God gave me the strength to do the very thing I feared the most. I look at myself and see that the scars have begun to smooth and fade. I know they'll never leave. But I'm all about the scars... they mean you've healed.

So one day I will be able to look at my own children, explain about my first love (because despite it all, I did love him as much as I knew how), and say, "but I've never loved anyone like I love your daddy."

I just don't know where that man is.
That man I will love the most.
The one who will make me laugh.