Damir was due mid January and his due date came and went, just like Silas' had.
We had bought and moved into a new home, the holidays had passed, I had experienced some excruciating pregnancy symptoms including pubic symphysis dysfunction and numbness in my hands. Due to COVID I stopped working in person at the end of the year and logged in remotely every day.
I was extremely concerned about going too far past my due date and having to be induced, partially due to my history with Judah and epidurals and mostly because of COVID.
The Friday before Damir finally was born, Silas and I both came down with a terrible cold and had to be COVID tested. We were both negative, thankfully, but the symptoms were extremely uncomfortable and to this day I really believe Damir was holding out for me to feel better.
The Tuesday after his due date I went back to the midwife for another non-stress test. They had attempted to sweep my membranes twice already with no luck. But that morning I was having some intermittent contractions. After a very active NST, the midwife was able to try one more time to sweep and I was finally at 4cm.
We decided to go ahead and COVID test one more time and go home and wait on contractions to pick up. She said, I bet he will be here today or tomorrow! But I knew it would be that day.
Tony was working and my mom had Judah and Silas. When I got back from my appointment, Tony decided to wrap up working because contractions were already 3-4 minutes apart.
Contractions were frequent and consistent, but they were not very intense. So we ate and packed up the boys and sent them home with my mom. And Tony and I decided to go for a walk.
COVID vaccine rolls outs had started that week at Kroger field and the way to the hospital from our new house was right down Alumni Drive. So we decided to go park on campus and walk there, just in case vaccine and rush hour traffic got too backed up near home.
It was a gorgeous day. The sun was shining even though it was chilly outside. We knew the boys were safe, our bags were in the car, we had no where else to be. So we started walking.
I don't know that I've ever enjoyed an afternoon with Tony the way I enjoyed that afternoon. We logged four or five miles, walking around the hospital to campus, up stairs, down stairs. We stopped to get ice cream and ate it while walking. My contractions were getting much stronger and around 5pm we decided to check into labor and delivery. We made that decision based mostly on Damir, wanting to make sure that he wasn't in distress.
My mom and sisters were texting in our group chat all afternoon. And I walked, waddled, into triage for labor and delivery and immediately texted them. This did not feel good. "Why does it feel safer out there than it does in here?"
And my contractions stopped.
When I say stopped, I don't mean got farther apart. I don't mean, alleviated some. They just stopped.
They got me into a room and hooked me up to the monitor and Joanne the midwife came in to check me and I was only dilated to 5. The contractions that had made me stop in my tracks during our walk, that I hadn't been able to talk through, were barely blinking on the monitor.
And so Joanne gave me options.
She said, "you'll have this baby before my call is over tomorrow morning". And I explained what I was telling my family about not feeling safe. She nodded.
My body was having a stress response.
She encouraged me to stay, said she felt ok with whatever decision I made, but that her midwife heart wanted to keep me where she could help.
But I knew. I felt embarrassed, disappointed in my body, frustrated. How could I get through labor and then delivery, if I couldn't even listen to my own body? If all the trust was gone?
Tony sat in front of me and we talked and quickly decided.
I told Joanne, "we need to go home. I need to go home and get back in touch with my body. Because right now, I don't trust myself. And if I don't trust myself, we won't get through this."
Recognition, affirmation, lit up her whole face and she nodded. No arguing, no debating. Just nodded and said, "let's go. We will see you soon."
Tony and I left the hospital, walked to the parking garage and started driving down Nicholasville Rd. We decided to eat, and pulled into Planet Thai's parking lot.
And the contractions kicked back in.
We waited twenty minutes for noodles and curry and I experienced contractions the entire time. Contractions that were increasing in severity , that were consistent. Soon I was turned around backwards in the parked car, gripping the back of the carseat for support.
I remember telling Tony I felt so frustrated. What was my body doing, I had just been at the hospital. We had just been where we needed to be, and my body hadn't done what it was supposed to do.
We got home and I immediately got in the tub, leaving the dinner we bought uneaten. Contractions picked up and by 7:30 we were headed back to the hospital.
We'd realize later that I started transition while walking from the parking garage to L&D. Down the huge hallway through Chandler's Pavilion A.
When we got back to the labor unit, the nurse who had triaged us previously saw me at the elevator and said, "oh. Now you're ready. Good luck!" She could see on my face what had changed.
We ended back up in the same room as before. When Joanne returned to the room I was 8+ centimeters and it was after 8pm.
Damir's heart rate dropped once during contractions, so our original plan of laboring in the tub wasn't an option anymore. Joanne and Simone, the nurse midwife student, provided support over the next hour and a half. Tony, just like with Silas, didn't leave my side. More than once, someone commented on our team work.
I distinctly remember while laboring with the squat bar, looking up and seeing Joanne sitting across the room. Legs crossed, arms folded in her lap, just waiting. Even in the middle of back to back contractions, I noticed. I still don't know quite what to call what I saw, except I was watching her hold space for me. I was watching her bear witness. Between contractions I remember thinking, that's what being a midwife is all about.
Eventually she said, "girls, those sound like pushing contractions", and she was immediately on her feet.
Damir was born after just a few contractions. I was able to reach down and pull him to me. My last baby. A head full of dark hair and dark eyes.
It was Mother's Day last year when I found out we were pregnant with him. Right now he's sleeping downstairs in his bed, already almost four months old.
I won't ever be able to do our birth story or the miracle of his existence justice.
