As far as the calendar is concerned, the new year started six days ago.We spent the last day of 2007 eating in dark, shady restaurants, visiting hippie stores, eating sushi, drinking coffee, and painting murals on walls.We talked about resolutions.
The first day of the New Year, I got a new tattoo. One that would remind me, daily, about the grace I've been given. And the grace I'm called to show. It snowed, and the world slowed down as we met a new friend and ate Thai food with chopsticks.
The other day I had a conversation that made my mind start spinning. I know what I don't want. I know that I don't want to settle down, to get comfortable, to live in the suburbs and drive an SUV. I don't want a 9-5 office job, and I don't want to miss anything.
I know what I don't want.
Then, what is it that I do want?
So I thought about it.
And I came up with this:
I want to live a simple life. I want to create. To love others. To show grace. To lead a life of example. I want to laugh. I want to wake up and work beside the man I love. I want to raise children. I want to spend my days in the sun.
I want to step into this life. Accepting the knowledge that glory comes from daring to begin.
More than once this week people have gathered in my new apartment and eaten and laughed together. Saturday morning I woke up with a prayer on my lips that God would fill my home with joy.
Five hours later my heart was filled to bursting.
Today, I am discouraged. Restless. I spent the morning and early afternoon with my loved ones. I don't like Sunday afternoons and evenings, because I never have anything to do. I leave my close community and feel lonely and alone, fighting fatigue of the mind and today... gray skies.
Tomorrow, classes start back. I go back to a job I hate. And I am afraid I will see less and less of those I love. So I called my mother on my way to pick up my sisters. I cried on the phone; the first sad tears I've shed in weeks.
I don't want to do this anymore. No more school. No more office job. Everything else in my life is beautiful. And I know that everything cannot be perfect... but those two factors are huge ones in my life. They affect my productivity and my mood. They are my dominant lifestyle, whether that is my wish or not. I don't want to do it anymore, I told her.
And then I saw it.
Someone had tagged a long, brick wall on Alumni in white spray paint. The letters were taller than me, uneven and sloppy.
Dream Big.
I started laughing through my tears.
I know that eternity has been set in all our hearts (Ecc. 3:11). I believe this restlessness, this desire for something more, is our hearts remembering. Our souls recognizing that we are called for something greater...
I am called to live an organic, simple life. Loving people and loving God. Feeding those who are hungry, looking and seeing, hearing and listening. God is calling me. Tomorrow, I will have to do the thing I do not want to do. Be in the place that tears at my heart. But that is not forever.
Something better is coming. He is preparing us for it.
Once again, I know I cannot do it alone. This restless feeling in my bones is not partial only to me... you feel it too, don't you?
