The Wall

I hit the wall last night.

We all knew it was coming.

It happens to me like clockwork every semester. My heart feels full... I feel like I'm on the right track. Life still doesn't make sense, but the challenges I'm faced with are manageable.

This time, I had found my tangible calling.

As a child of God, I am called to love people.

I had found a way to incorporate taking care of people with my career.

And I was elated.

But I hit it last night...

face first.

Like running into a corner in the dark.

I didn't see it coming.

The wall.

-

I sat there in my desk.

She hadn't said anything new at all.

No new information that caused me to reconsider.

Nothing fresh and overwhelming.

But in my weakness, in my fatigue, in my loneliness...

my mind started playing tricks.

It was as if I were sprinting,

And ran headlong into a brick wall.

-

I had pushed "fast forward" on the tape of my life.

And was confused by all the blurriness.

I had tried to guess the mystery.

To figure out the plot.

And my finite mind only saw obstacles.

Only saw impossibilities.

-

I folded in on myself there in the classroom.

Mentally staring up at a wall that towered into the sky.

Menacing. Taunting. Logical.

I left class with an extensive take-home test in my hand.

And for the first time, wondered if I could make it.

Doubted I had the courage. That I had what it takes to do... whatever it is I was trying to do.

I thought about quitting.

See what a wuss I am?

What a coward I can be?

I wondered, almost immediately, if there was an easier route.

-

Aren't we all always looking for the easy way out?

Do we ever find it?

There are easy detours. But they are temporary and eventually lead to hard roads again.

Because life is not about getting by without scrapes and sore muscles.

Life is not about who can come out on the other side the cleanest.

-

And I forget this.

Standing in the face of the wall.

I lift my face and my mind projects far, far past my control.

Far, far past my ability.

My knowledge.

My wisdom.

-

I am such a hypocrite.

Seriously.

I tell you I believe in a divine plan.

In soul mates.

I believe He has a plan.

He knows the way I take.

-

Why in the world do I worry?

-

I worry that I don't have what it takes because, well, right now I don't.

Today I do not have what is required to be a social worker.

But I dont have to be a social worker today.

If I so passionately believe in a plan, then I must also believe that part of that plan is to equip me.

To prepare me.

-

The only thing that is required of me right now

is to keep going.

-

Because I can't stumble onto His plan, if I've planted my feet firmly in defeat.

If I give up.

-

So all I have to worry about today is getting over that wall.

-

2 Samuel 22:30 (Msg)

"Suddenly, God, your light floods my path, God drives out the darkness ... I vault the high fences. What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him makes it."

The NKJ says "and by my God, I can leap over a wall".

-

I decided to get it under control tonight.

The things that are in my control, that is.

So I got a few numbers for my service project hours.

I applied for the appropriate programs.

Knocked out my stupid poli sci homework in an hour.

I washed my bedsheets. And I washed the dishes.

I made dinner.

I made coffee.

-

I'm still standing in the face of the wall.

But it doesn't look so tall anymore.

It doesn't stretch so far into the sky...

I've begun to climb.

-

And I will climb until I get over it.

And I will run again.

Headlong into His grace.