The Archives

I am sitting in Coffea Island. I'm supposed to be doing computer homework, but have gotten distracted. A barista just put on Alison Krauss, I am drinking a bottomless cup of Peaberry coffee, sitting in the sunlight coming through the blinds.

In my distraction, I logged onto Myspace for the first time in months. I had one task in mind. I went and opened up my blog archives and started reading.The earliest one dates back to June 2006. On paper, that doesn't seem that long ago. A little under two years. But I started reading what I had written, and felt as though I was reading about a stranger's life.

I remember all the experiences. I remember all the people. But I dont remember what all the subtle references mean. But what amazes me... is how much people can change. Our fears, our anxieties, our residence, our friends, our language, our music taste, our dreams. There is one blog that has a list of about 50 things I wanted to accomplish before I die (you know, the typical bucket list). As I read through them, I realized that the only ones that still resonated with my new heart are the ones I've already done. Does this mean it's time for a new list? Or time to celebrate?

There are people who were an intrinsic part of my life two years ago, who are nowhere to be found these days. The Beaver Creek house stands empty, with a drained pool. My green room still smells like the candle Ellen gave me. But we dont live there anymore. We don't dance down the hallways or hang air fresheners from the ceiling fans... my room at the Hays house is no longer mine either. I gave back the garage door opener and changed my address. I don't go to Starbucks anymore. The lessons I learned as a college student fresh out on her own, about cheap prices at Walmart and the best route to work are of no use to me now.

There are lessons that I learned back then that I've already forgotten. These are the lessons we all learn... and relearn... and teach others... and then forget again. Lessons about God and love and loneliness.It's been two years since that first blog. And I am nowhere near the girl I was then.

Except for the part about being a hippie. I laugh about that now... knowing I had no idea what that meant the first time I said it. The first time I felt the twinge in my heart for dirty feet and breezy skirts... how could I have known that would get me here? To this place?

In a few years I may go back and dig into the blog archives again. This one, from April 19th in 2008, may be completely foreign to me. I may have changed so much again that most of my words are those of a stranger...

But isn't that the beauty of life?