Two Thoughts.

Thought One:

"Ever since happiness heard your name, its been running through the streets trying to find you..." (Hafiz of Persia)

Happiness is not the goal.

Comfort is not the goal.

Exhaustion is not the goal.

Discomfort is not the goal.

Pain is not the goal.

Fame is not the goal.

Invisibility is not the goal.

Need I go on?

-

I heard His name... felt Him in between my shoulder blades... felt His breath on my skin.

And ever since, I've been running through the streets. Looking under rocks, knocking on doors, peering around corners. Trying to find Him.

Abba Father.

I heard Your name, caught a glimpse of You as You passed by.

And nothing has been the same since.

You see, this life is about the pursuit of Him.

And the glory of turning around and realizing that, in fact, He is pursuing you.

-

Thought Two:

The social work class I am currently enrolled in requires 25 hours of community service.

Never before in my life have I found it so hard to help people for just a few hours a week.

I am not a certified-anything.

I am not a trained-anybody.

I am not a skilled-someone.

I am an undergrad. With an Associate's degree and a weird bank of knowledge. I am good with kids. ( Sometimes. Really, it depends on the kid. ) My heart hurts when yours hurts. I want to know your name and I want you know you are loved. I want to help you recognize God and beauty's presence in your life, and watch as you fall in love with both.

That... doesn't look so impressive on a resume.

So I am working in a few different venues, getting in these volunteer hours. Like clockwork, I walk into an organization, tell them I am a social work major and I need community service time. Do they need my help? They say yes. And hand me a baby.

This just thrills my little heart. But I will laugh at the end of the semester if for some reason, it doesn't "count". ( Some say social work is about more than that. I say, social work is about doing what needs to be done.)

But something I realized tonight, after finishing some volunteer hours in Winchester, is that Read to Succeed is a dual blessing for me.

Since about the end of February, beginning of March, I have been driving into Winchester every Wednesday afternoon. I spend some time with my little sisters (who really, aren't so little anymore). I go and tutor. And then I go to the library.

Not to get more books.

To see my mom.

You see, on Wednesday nights she works at her own little desk. In the back of the library. Away from everybody.

I get her all to myself.

For once.

It's my strategy. Corner her. So she can't get away. So she really has nothing better to do.

She has no choice but to listen to me. I'm the only one there.

And then, apparently, my subconscious self decides that Wednesday nights around 7pm in the back of the Clark County Public Library, is the best time to let a week's worth of tears loose.

I cried tonight for a lot of reasons.

I cried because we didn't get to say goodbye. I cried because he cheated. I cried because his first experience with life was that people can be cruel. I cried because they are good people. I cried because she is leaving. I cried because she is grown up. I cried because he doesn't see me. I cried because I want to hold someone's hand. I cried because she is pregnant. I cried because they are getting married. I cried because I am tired.

I cried because... tonight, more than anything, I want an adventure. I need to "break the chain of routine". I am here, waiting in anticipation for the change that is sure to come.

And in the mean time, I feel like the most boring, dull person in the world.

I just laughed a little, thinking about that statement. Because I know it's not true. Because I know, in about four or five weeks, that said change is going to start happening. And I will have not even a little bit of a clue as to how to deal.

My life does not look like yours.

I don't want my life to look like yours.

I want whatever it is this crazy, loving God of mine has planned.

But even those thoughts didn't stop my ocean of tears tonight.

And I realized, I needed to be in Winchester on Wednesday nights more for myself than anything. If only so I could corner my pretty, young mom in the back of the library and steal her attention. And talk through all the crap that tends to clutter my head.

My life doesn't look like yours.

And it certainly doesn't make sense right now.

But it is 10:40 on a Wednesday night and my legs are sore from running and my heart is aching from searching and my soul is stretched to capacity it seems.

And there's nothing I can really do to change anything tonight.

And I am okay with that.

Tomorrow is a new day.