Troubled Mind Blues

Life usually makes sense in my head.

Not since I was fifteen years old was my life in such chaos that I didn't know which way was up.

But here I am again.

A lot of time has passed between then and now.

I have learned a lot.

It still feels like chaos. Pure and utter.

But this time, I know what waits for me when the spinning stops.

I know that this is the discomfort of stretching.

The pains of growth.

Life works in cycles like this. In seasons. There are patterns and inconsistencies and valleys and peaks.

Right now...

I cannot make life make sense in my head.

Simply, I do not know how I will make it work come August.

How I will pay for housing. Will I commute? Where will I work?

These are questions I answered three years ago when I moved to Lexington.

I thought the next time I made a huge lifestyle change, education would no longer been an inhibiting factor.

But I am looking at two more years of school. And a scholarship that requires I remain full time.

A car, which might explode at any minute.

Preparing to possibly live on my own for the very first time. No roommates. Just me.

And maybe this all wouldn't be so hard... so stressful ... if I didn't care about people so much. I cannot consciously sacrifice my relationships for a successful career/education. Nothing is so important that it is worth secluding myself. I have dreams that have nothing to do with a BSW or a stable career. Dreams that involve people. Beautiful people. People I cannot live without.

That is what troubles my mind these days.

Trying to make the world make sense in my head.

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And I find myself praying this prayer:

"Father,
My mind cannot come up with anything new. I have run out of ideas. I've been here before and You've walked me through. Open my eyes. Let me see a third way. In the middle of this crazy, spinning world, teach me to stand still. Still the wild beating of my heart. And let a peace fall on me that is unexplainable."

And desiring, deeply, these things:
To be in a quiet place. A high place. To climb and look out over the world. To be close to God. To hold hands. To rebuild family. To push myself. To drop the dark baggage I carry and walk in light. Walk in love. To be loved. To help. To be able to put into real, meaningful words what it means to live this life...

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That's the stuff that makes sense in my troubled mind tonight.

The logistics are hard to come by... I wasn't prepared for change in this direction.

But real change always takes us by surprise, I suppose.

And no matter how old you are, how experienced, how wise... you are never prepared.

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So I will climb up to the top of a mountain.

He'll make the world stop spinning for a while.

And years down the road we'll laugh about how I thought this was hard... and I will have learned lessons and grown stronger and smarter and gained skill and sharpened my personality.

This is life, you see.

My troubled mind just forgets sometimes.